She who thinks thin, is ...

Where Have You Been, Missy?

2008-04-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

Conspicuously absent, huh? (Or not so conspicuously, since about 3 people MAYBE read this blog, and I've probably lost the minimal readership I had thanks to not posting much.) Well, last week was CRAZY busy because the husband was working 24/7 finishing a paper, which means I was working 24/7 at a) my job and b) taking care of le bebe while husband was finishing his paper.

The good news is, I weighed in on Thursday and lost another 1.2 lbs. With the gain of the previous week, that's still 8.8 lbs down! Yay me. I only logged 9 activity points out of the 10 I was hoping for, but that's pretty good.

The notsogood news: We went away for the weekend and I totally indulged. I didn't count anything, I didn't journal anything, and I didn't pay any attention to my diet. I recognize that this is technically not part of the program, but with the weight I have to lose, I have to be in it for the long haul. And that means giving myself a break occasionally, and that includes when I travel. I don't travel much, so this is not a big issue in the grand scheme of things, but whoo boy this weekend. I ate a donut bigger than my HEAD (OK, maybe a third of the donut. No way I could finish that thing.) I drank cocktails. I had Dungeness Crab Canneloni and whole fried fish and a blackberry scone and it was glorious. It was totally worth it. But it wasn't failure. 3 days in the years it's going to take me to get this weight off is a mere drop in the bucket. And so necessary to my sanity.

To be fair, I also walked my butt off this weekend. That's the upside of traveling.

Now the 6 points I went over yesterday because I finished a bag of pretzels -- there's just no excuse for that. Onward and upward!

Upson Downs

2008-03-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

I haven't been particularly regular posting this week -- partially because life gets busy, and partially because I wasn't feeling it. And I wasn't particularly feeling the program/diet/lifestyle whatever. I was technically staying within my points (including my flex points) but I wasn't measuring, planning, eating right. I was feeling sloppy. I woke up on Wednesday and went back to basics, but I registered a gain this week. Only .4 lbs, and I can't say I was surprised, but at least I know when I'm not working the program. Only a small setback, and one that's easily overcome. Hopefully.

Challenges for the week ahead:

Splurge a little for Easter dinner (my mother's fried chicken may not be resisted)

Vacation on Friday (I'm not going to measure or journal that whole weekend. Just try to make good choices.

Goals for the week ahead:

Get at least 10 activity points
Eat fruits and vegetables
No more sloppiness!
Water!

Notsogreat Weekend

2008-03-17T15:32:00.001-07:00

I was down this weekend -- house is a mess, hubby worked all weekend, parents (aka relief childcare) out of town, friends cancelled plans. So I was down. And I ate. I didn't go on an all out binge, but I gave up caring enough to count (fortunately, I toted up Saturday's dinner of frozen shu mai and homemade Thai Sticky Rice with coconut and mango and didn't do too much damage), and I did get myself a treat (fortunately, instead eating all of a bag of cookies, I ate most of a container of dates, which did much less damage to my waistline. I didn't totally lose control.) Also, I ordered a shamrock shake on Sunday -- I had never tried one, and despite not knowing the points ahead of time (a big no no in my book) I wanted it anyway. I did throw it away after drinking maybe half. Is that all?

No wait, I broke into the baked Jalapeno cheese doodles I bought my husband on Sunday night. Didn't eat them all, but also didn't measure them.

Is this the end of my diet? No. I barely went over points, if at all, thanks to my gazillions of nursing points, but it did feel disturbing. I knew I was eating because I was down, I KNOW that's bad, but you know what? Food, at least temporarily did make me feel better. I have a hard time on weekends anyway, because I don't eat regularly, and then I get hungry and eat what's available. Add to that the feeling sorry for myself, and I'm in bad shape.

The thing about emotional eating is that all the diet magazines and Oprah seem to think that if you identify emotional eating, then you have fixed it. In reality, it's far more complex than that. I know I eat to make myself feel better. I know there are other things I could do, but I don't have the time/money for a lot of those things. Eating is fast, and it works. And yes, it defeats my long term objectives, but gah - it's hard to justify that in the short term.

It's a struggle. The best I can do right now is to make good choices.

Weigh In Friday

2008-03-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

And down 1.2 lbs, for a total of 8. Which is pretty good for 3 weeks on a diet. Still, it's a bit of a letdown when you stop that early weight loss of 2+ lbs per week and slow down to a more reasonable weight. Part of me wanted to reach my next mini goal, which was totally unrealistic anyway. It's hard not to get impatient. I know this is a long process, and I didn't gain weight overnight and won't lose it overnight, but I can't wait to have some real, measurable noticeable weight loss.

I should be celebrating. 1.2 lbs is 1.2 fewer lbs than I weighed last week! It's 5 fewer sticks of butter. It's 1.2 lbs that I will never have again. And if a week has passed, it's better to be 1.2 lbs lighter than 1.2 lbs heavier.

I'll take my 1.2 lbs, and I'll own it. And I hope it rubs together and has lots of little 1.2 lb loss babies.

OK, that last part sounded weird.

It's the little things ...

2008-03-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

I keep oatmeal in my desk at work and often eat breakfast after I've gotten to work in the morning. It cuts down my at home morning routine a little, and its healthy and filling. However, if I don't eat anything besides my cup of coffee in the morning, I can get a little lightheaded, what with the breastfeeding and the running around. I was having a piece of toast with some Laughing Cow Cheese or peanut butter on it before I left in the morning. Then I had an epiphany. I could drink a glass of skim milk, eat a banana, get a dairy serving and a fruit serving in, and be less hungry, all for not many more points. Aah! It's like the lightbulb went off over my head.

Putting your money where your mouth is ...

2008-03-12T15:48:00.000-07:00

I saw a recent hack in lifehacks.com which led me to this blog entry in the NYT about loss aversion and weight loss. The basic idea is that people are more motivated by avoiding a loss than they are by a potential gain, and a way to get people to stick to their resolutions is to make them pay ... literally ... if they don't. Enter StickK -- a site that allows you to make "commitment contracts" -- you sign up for a goal, set stakes, and if you don't meet your goal the money goes to charity (or you can sign up to donate the money to an anti-charity -- one that opposes your values on gun control, abortion, gay marriage or the environment).

Needless to say, I was intrigued. Given how many diets I've started in the past 10 years or so, I could use something that would make me stick with it. But when I went to the site I hesitated. Yes, the weight loss one isn't the best idea, given that it's a timed goal over something you don't have ultimate control over -- exactly how much you'll lose by when. You can customize a goal, though, so why was I hesitant?

I don't trust myself to stay the course, really. Given how many diets I've started in the past 10 years or so. I don't believe I can do it for the long term. And if I don't believe that, then why am I here? I have to believe in myself and my ability to make the lifestyle choice, before I can even think about losing weight in the long term. And when you have as much to lose as I do, it's definitely long term.

Maybe this will help. I can give myself a goal that I can control -- I will stay on the diet for 12 weeks. I can't control the results -- what my body does -- but I can control what I do. I have to believe in my self-control. So $120 to saying I'm still here on June 4th.

Can't bring myself to give money to the anti-environment crowd though. Unspecified charity it is.

The ABC's of Vegetables

2008-03-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things about doing Weight Watchers (so far) is getting in the 8 Healthy Guidelines. Water is easy -- I drink that all day. The healthy oils are also easy for me -- I cook with a lot of olive oil and make my own salad dressing. But dairy I often forget (it's all about the cheese!) and worst of all are the fruits and vegetables requirements. There are just so MANY of them. I'm totally OK with having a salad with dinner and a piece of fruit as an afternoon snack, but that's less than half of what I'm supposed to eat. Fruit I can manage more of, but I'm just not in the habit of preparing veggies. So here are a few of my personal vegetable favorites at the start of the alphabet, with preparation methods.

Artichokes. Steam for 45 minutes to an hour, serve with 1 T light mayonnaise as dipping sauce.

Arugula. One of my favorite salads is arugula with maple mustard dressing (1/2 t. maple syrup, 1 t. dijon mustard, 1 t. red wine vinegar and 2 t. olive oil) and some grated parmesan (.25 oz per person is plenty for a large salad).

Asparagus. I like to toss these with a little garlic oil and roast at 400 for about 30 minutes. Alternatively, they're good steamed and tossed with vinaigrette or served with a sauce made of light mayo and chopped tomatoes heated on the stovetop (I know it sounds gross, but try it).

Beets. I buy the precooked beets at Trader Joes, then chop and toss with a mixture of goat cheese and plain yogurt. A good alternative is to toss with wine vinegar and a little crumbled blue cheese.

Broccoli. Steam and serve with a low fat cheese sauce or toss with parmesan and a little garlic oil.

Brussels sprouts. Cut in half, toss with a little oil, and roast at 400 for about 30-40 minutes.

Cabbage. I buy preshredded coleslaw mix and toss in some fresh ginger, seasoned rice vinegar and sesame seeds for a low fat Asian Coleslaw. This is great topped with teriyaki chicken or miso glazed salmon.

Carrots. Carrot sticks, obviously, but they're good braised with just a little butter and sugar and a lot of garlic.

Cauliflower. Either steam and puree with a bit of light butter and S&P for a mashed potato alternative, or toss with oil and garlic and roast at 450 until browned.

3 Granola Bars Left.

Friday Weigh In

2008-03-07T11:48:00.000-08:00

Down 2.8 lbs. Pretty good for my no counting weekend and considering I had a double cheeseburger for dinner last night. 288.4.

Also, I met my mini goal of reaching my prepregnancy weight. Well, my weight at my 8 week appointment. See, I never weighed myself, and I never even looked at the OB's office, except for my first appointment (which was on February 8th of last year. Funny how you remember these dates). I suspect this is actually a little lower than my prepregnancy weight, since I actually lost some weight from there (according to my OB -- I didn't look remember?) but I consider 289 the starting weight for pregnancy.

It's funny to be so happy about getting back to where I was a little over a year ago, but my body has been through a lot in the intervening year. Carried a baby with aplomb, delivered her with notsomuch aplomb (I wasn't exactly good at labor, though I like to think I was excellent at pregnancy), fed a baby with aplomb. I've gained and lost over 50 lbs. (Despite not looking at the scale, between the Wednesday I gave birth and the Wednesday 2 weeks after I gave birth, I lost 44 lbs according to my OB. Officially the fastest weight loss ever). My body now is not the body I started with. It's striped like a zebra and has some lovely skin flaps and scars. But I'm back at that weight.

This also means something else. None of this weight is baby weight. Not one pound on me can be attributed to my little bundle of joy. It's interesting -- having been overweight most of my adult life, it was never quite as acceptable until I had a baby. All of a sudden, some of my peers didn't have perfect bodies either. Baby weight is OK, to a point. Regular weight is not.

And also ...

2008-03-06T15:18:00.000-08:00

4 granola bars left.

Visual Aids

2008-03-06T14:46:00.000-08:00

So, despite the fact that I find other people's weight loss photos incredibly inspirational, I'm not posting any pictures. Why? Two reasons.

1) Diet shame. I am laboring under the delusion that if I don't tell people I'm on a diet, shh, they won't notice how fat I am! God forbid anyone I know IRL should happen across this blog and find out the secret truth of just how much I weigh (known only to my Obstetrician and my husband, and he only got it after much resistance on my part). I know this is ridiculous. I know I look as fat as I am but I can't get it out of my head that people would be shocked at my weight. I do think this is true though -- I'm not an apple shape and don't have the body usually associated with that, plus I only have like an extra half chin, which is pretty darn good for 5'4" and nearly 300 lbs. I seriously have a butt the size of a watermelon though. It's not pretty. Maybe someday when I am svelter I will get over this and be proud of my accomplishment rather than ashamed by my lack thereof. But right now I prefer to hide behind my anonymity.

2) I'm skeered of the big bad internet. Actually, this isn't going to go away. I might eventually post blurred out face shots, but I do worry about the lack of anonymity. And I don't want stalkers.

So in the meantime, here's an approximation thanks to My Virtual Model.
Me at goal vs. Me now. (I think that the Me now is probably pretty accurate, without stretchmarks, nursing boobs or saggy baby belly skin, but I don't know how accurate it can be given that it thinks I will look exactly the same 50 lbs lighter. Hmm)

So Let's Talk About Goals

2008-03-05T18:17:00.000-08:00

Because that's kind of necessary for a weight loss blog, huh? I have an ultimate weight loss goal, but I have intermediate goals I'd like to meet along the way. I also am setting Mini Goals for myself -- you can see the Mini Goals box in the sidebar.

Ultimate Goal:
I'd like to weight 150 lbs.
Technically, this isn't even in my healthy weight range, and I might change my mind when I get there, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I won't like myself much thinner. Skinny is not a good look for me. Plus I tend to be muscle dense.

Goal 2
I'd like to no longer be "obese" according to my BMI.
This will happen at 170 lbs.

Goal 3
I'd like to have less to lose than I've lost.
222 lbs.

Goal 4
I'd like to buy pants in a "regular" clothing store.
And in a "regular" size -- I typically shop in "regular" stores as it is, but I buy plus sized pants.

Goal 5
I'd like to lose 10% of my body weight.
About 30 lbs. This is a standard weight watchers goal. So I'll be at this when I'm at 264 lbs., about.

Goal 6
I'd like to weigh less than 200 lbs
No explanation needed.

I have other things that I'd like - I'd like the flap of skin on my belly to be noticeably smaller, I'd like to fit into some of my clothes I've outgrown on the way up, but those are either no guarantees (well, nothing is a guarantee, but I could weigh 6 lbs and still have that belly flap) or sort of unspecific. I'll update the progress of my goals and maybe add new ones.

Accountability

2008-03-05T14:47:00.001-08:00

I walked to the grocery store at lunchtime! Go me! I did not get a morning walk in this morning. Bad me. (I will say I cannot motivate myself in the morning and the husband has been sleeping in after being up half the night working). I walked to the grocery store because we are out of the twin necessities of trash bags and coffee, and when you have a five month old in diapers you REALLY REALLY need both.

I had also eaten most of my lunch for the day, and I thought I might get hungry. I think part of the problem is that I'm not packing enough for lunch. I mean, I pack what seems like a nice healthy lunch in the morning and then I get to work and enter it into my tracker and realize I still have 23 points to eat for dinner. (See previous post on things to use up points). I also get hungry midafternoon, so I scrounge (see previous post on stepping away from the Starbucks). These are things I need to work on.

Now the accountability part. At the store, in addition to my trashbags (Hefty Cinch Sack) and Coffee (Peet's French Roast), I bought a salad (go me! - cabbage, zucchini, beets, a few chickpeas and balsamic vinegar. And 1 T blue cheese dressing), and a box of Kashi Granola Bars. Individually, the bars are quite good for me. But having a box of granola bars in my office is potentially very very bad. I KNOW I have a tendency to eat what food is available. I KNOW this. And yet I set myself up for failure. (Hey, at least I didn't buy a box of Mallomars). So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to tell you how many granola bars are left in that box every day this week. Right now the box is unopened and there are six bars.

There. Now you know. No more secret eating. Which is a post for another day.

What to do to use up points ....

2008-03-04T14:26:00.000-08:00

I know it's strange, but sometimes I find myself with a surfeit of points. (I know, boo hoo, but nursing gives you a lot of extra points and it can be hard to eat them all). If I'm just one or two points under my target, I don't worry about it and figure that it will come out in the estimating and measurement wash. But it's part of the program to eat all your points, and you can't make it a regular habit to go well under.

Yesterday, I found myself about 10 points under target (in part because I planned a super low point but yummy dinner and in part because I loaded up on veggie meat products this weekend and those are shockingly low in points).

When you have a lot of extra points, what do you do with them? On the one hand, you want a "I'm so virtuous with my eating I deserve a treat" but it seems kind of silly and against the point (ha, point) to blow them on total junk. I try to find foods that seem like treats but still help fulfill my healthy guidelines.

So some shopping around at Trader Joe's (I LOVE Trader Joe's - it's going to come up a lot) and here's what I came up with:

Sweet Potato Fries. FRENCH FRIES! But Sweet Potatoes are real vegetables and help fulfill my fruit and veggie quota of the day. I always bake them. My faves are the Alexia version but the Trader Joe's ones are so good, though a little more caloric.

Chocolate Milk. Mmm. Dairy. And chocolate.

Starbucks Lattes. OK, these aren't at Trader Joe's, but a Chai Tea Latte or one of the new Honey Lattes made with nonfat milk (and no whipped cream) make for a tasty 3 pt treat with a good dose of calcium

Chocolate Bananas. I thought this was a stroke of genius. A chocolate dessert that isn't totally empty calories -- also provides a fruit serving. Yes, it's 4 pts, but these are use up your point foods, remember?

I mean, you could also eat massive amounts of whole wheat pitas or fiber one cereal or other such fun stuff but your colon might explode.

So I was a bad bad girl ...

2008-03-03T13:08:00.000-08:00

But first good news. I weighed in on Friday and lost 4 lbs from my starting weight (which was actually from 2 weeks previously). So that was good, since I've been stubbornly at the same weight since January despite incorporating a new exercise routine into my life.

But yeah, I went off plan this weekend. Actually, it was totally planned -- I had a gala event (and between the dancing and the only OK food and the fact that I shied away from even gin and tonics and stuck to scotch and soda and wine I don't think I went that over, plus I had a ton of extra flex points given that I hadn't used any) on Friday night, and Saturday night was my 5th anniversary, which definitely qualifies as a special occasion. And since we weren't at home on Sunday I just didn't track that either.

I did try to make good choices though -- even fancy anniversary dinner involved grilled fish (and chocolate dessert which was worth every sinful point) and I stuck to energy bars instead of actual sweets as snacks. I have a sweet tooth downfall. If I don't eat any flex points for the rest of the week I figure I'm actually pretty even.

Plus I planned it. So I feel in control. Which is good.

I totally sound like I'm justifying don't I? The chocolate creme brulee was totally worth it. And we'll see on Friday just how much I'm lying to myself.

Back on the program today, BTW and gorging myself on huge strawberries. Mmmm. I love spring.

Lesson of the Day -- Step AWAY from the Starbucks

2008-02-27T16:59:00.000-08:00

So, I left my lunchbox at work yesterday (yes, I have a lunchbox. And I love it. Shaddup. That's another post, anyway). So I packed a lunch today, but probably not enough to keep me satisfied all day, which I'm usually pretty good at. So I decided to hit the food option in my office building without going outside. Starbucks.

Small Chai Latte with nonfat milk. Good -- spicy. I love Starbucks Chai. Milk has calcium and is filling. Also good. And at 150 calories and no fat, a reasonable treat.

While I was there though, I thought I'd peruse the food case. I manfully resisted the banana bran muffin, and the apple fritters (oh, how I love apple fritters) and got the reduced fat 8 grain roll. Reasonable choice, you say? Not at 350 calories. I should have had the freaking coffee cake.

On the plus side, I also bought an energy bar at the drugstore (I was HUNGRY today) that I haven't seen before -- a ComfortBar. SO yummy. 180 calories, 5 grams fat, 5 fiber and 15 g protein. So totally satisfying and tastes like a candy bar! And totally organic. Now I just need a source that costs less than $2.50 a bar.

How about 350 calories

So what am I going to do about it?

2008-02-27T16:27:00.000-08:00

I'm going to cut everything but vegetables out of my diet and work out 3 hours a day with a trainer!

Yeah, right. That would get me approximately nowhere, since I could last about 1 day with that plan. Actually, I'm not sure I could make it through the 3 hours, so not even a day. No, I've been trying to incorporate morning walks into my routine since January, and since that didn't get me very far (it rained a lot in January) I decided to join Weight Watchers. Now, I'm not one of those disciple folks who thinks WEIGHT WATCHERS IS THE ONLY SENSIBLE DIET EVER but WW has a couple of distinct advantages to me -- it has a program for nursing mothers, and it allows me to eat real food. Whatever I want. Just maybe not as much as I want. I can't do anything extreme without jeopardizing my milk supply, anyway. And yada yada lifestyle change that's sustainable.

On the plus side, since I am so very fat AND nursing I get a busload of pointythings (don't want to infringe on the trademark). So far this has been pretty easy. It will get harder, I'm sure.

I've tried WW before and failed miserably, however. What will be different this time? I have a PHILOSOPHY

The Philosophy of Dieting

NO FAKE FOOD

Sure, fat free coolwhip is 0 pointythings, but who wants to eat that? What IS that? I eschew artificial sweeteners and I know I go overboard with "diet" snack foods so forget that. Also, they really aren't satisfying for more than a quick craving fix. If I want ice cream, I'll eat ice cream, and account for it. It's much more sustainable in the long run.

OK, BE REASONABLE
Reduced Fat Mayo is already a staple. Skim milk doesn't even count. And low fat cheese is great for some things. Oh, and some energy bars are OK in my book because they satisfy my sweet tooth and the added fiber and protein actually makes me feel like I ate something. But NO ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS. (except for very occasional diet soda)

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK
Sticking to the diet is a must. Sticking religiously not so much. If it's ACTUALLY a special occasion, I don't need to count it. I just need to a) try to eat lightly the rest of the day so I might have the calories to spare and b) restrict the definition of special occasion. Wedding anniversary? Yes. Going out for brunch with a friend? No.

EXERCISE
Yeah, I hate it, but it has to be done. I'm walking walking walking.

KEEP GOING.

Sometimes you fail, sometimes you gain, but just keep trucking.

Gah, I sound like one of those diet articles in Parade Magazine. No, I'm not doing WW meetings BTW. I don't have the time or the inclination. Just online. Messing about on the computer is much more my speed.

Guess What! I'm fat!

2008-02-26T17:35:00.000-08:00

So yeah, I'm fat.

I know this shouldn't come as a surprise. I mean, it's not like I got this way overnight. It's taken years and years to build up this heft you see before you. (Or don't see, as the case may be, because one thing I will NOT be doing is posting pictures. I know about internet stalkers.) I mean, sure, I had a baby last year, which built a lovely 50+ pounds onto my frame, but 44 of that was gone by the time she was three weeks old (and yes, I was retaining a municipal water district's supply towards the end), leaving me flabbier and striped like a zebra, but I can only really blame 10 or so of these pounds on that. Years of sedentary lifestyle will do it, and oh, yeah, eating too much.

The thing is, I don't FEEL fat. I can buy clothes in regular stores (only tops and dresses. All the junk is in my trunk). I have a cute (thin) husband, and a good job, and I'm not the slobbish loser that the popular media portrays us fatties as being. I even occasionally get whistled at on the street. I don't have any of those health issues that people associate with fatness -- my blood pressure is fine (and was all through pregnancy), my blood sugar is fine (and was, all through pregnancy), I'm pretty much healthy as a horse. A fat horse.

But these (gulp) 295 lbs don't lie. I'm officially fat.

Of course, the whys are both complicated and simple. Unlike, again, the popular media would like you to believe, I don't gorge myself on soda (never drink it), fast food (only occasionally an In N' Out Cheeseburger) and prepackaged junk food (I haven't had a twinkie since 1998). I think we can attribute these pounds to a few factors:

1) I'm an emotional eater. Yeah, I eat when I'm stressed or bored or unhappy. Big whoop. Recognizing it is half the battle my ass (and that's some ass we're talking about). I can't exactly make my emotions go away, and well, I'm still hungry when I'm stressed, which is often.

2) I hate to exercise. Yeah, it's not because I just haven't found the right exercise for me. I have NEVER liked exercise. I hate sports, I hate dancing, I hate running, I resent having to incorporate exercise into my busy busy schedule, I work long hours in a sedentary job, and yeah, exercise hasn't been part of my life. I know it has to be, but I don't have to like it.

3) I love food. And not a Big Mac. I mean real food - stinky cheeses, artisan chocolates, real butter. I'm a great cook and a great baker and I have a sweet tooth and man, I love to eat. And so I do it too much. I love healthy stuff too -- I love veggies. I just don't have time to do the extra prep work to cook them. (Meat is the easiest thing in the world to cook).

4) I'm lazy. I don't like to do things that don't come easily. In part because a lot of things do. So yeah, in order to do anything about this fatness, I have to deal with my laziness, which is really the hardest part.

So I'm fat, and it has grown to unacceptable levels, and I have to do something about it. Because really, I'm running out of wardrobe options. And I have a kid to think about.